


Conclusive Proof That You Have A Terrible Boyfriend

by blythechild



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad Decisions, Bad Flirting, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Declarations Of Love, Drinking, Drunk Texting, Fluff and Humor, Idiots in Love, Inappropriate Behavior, M/M, Partying, Silly, Texting, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 23:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13259058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: Hotch is proving he's an awful boyfriend. Via text messaging.This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal amusement. This story is suitable for all readers.





	Conclusive Proof That You Have A Terrible Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> I took a bunch of random prompts from the "Incorrect Answer" post on comment_fic over on Livejournal, and made _this._ I apologize for **none of it.**

Hotch: R U ok over there?

Reid: Yes. Completely.

Hotch: ‘Yes’ is comforting. ‘Completely’ is not.

Hotch: Whats going on?

Reid: I’m fine.

Hotch: U dont look fine

Reid: Then stop looking at me.

Reid: It could be a Schrodinger’s Cat thing. I could be both fine and NOT fine if you don’t look at me.

…

Hotch: Srsly, u dont look well & Im not dating an invisible, theoretical cat, so…

Reid: Well, you’re too drunk to come over here and do something about it.

Reid: I can’t believe we’re texting about this while we’re in the same room together.

Hotch: Im not drunk

Reid: Oh yeah? Stand up and walk the straight 20 foot line between you and me without falling into someone’s lap and I’ll believe you.

…

Hotch: Ok, so Im drunk

Reid: Apologize to Lewis. She probably wasn’t prepared for a lapful of Boss like that.

Hotch: I can b drunk AND woried about u, u kno…

Reid: Jesus

Reid: CALM DOWN AARON. YOU’RE ON A SHIT TON OF TEQUILA RIGHT NOW AND IT’S MAKING YOU HALLUCINATE + EMOTE INAPPROPRIATELY. STOP IT OR I’LL QUIT YOU.

…

Hotch: yer mean

Hotch: + rude

Hotch: + LOUD

Hotch: But also rly cute. Like a sexy Praying Mantis. Wish my feet workd so I could get 2 u.

Reid: What has happened to you? Most of the time you act like you’d rather bleed out than spend 5 mins talking about your feelings with me.

Reid: Also, male Praying Mantises are eaten by their female counterparts after mating. Which one am I in this analogy exactly?

Hotch: R U angry w/me? Why R U angry? Makes me sad when u look @ me that way

Reid: Here comes the maudlin part of your epic drunkenness…

Hotch: How aren’t U drunk?

Reid: I’m stoned instead. Emily had weed.

Hotch: shit. gonna have 2 writ u up tomorrow.

Reid: You won’t remember any of this tomorrow. And if you do, my defense will simply be ‘TEQUILA’ scrawled over the paperwork.

Hotch: LOL

Hotch: Yer so great, u kno that? I lov u

Reid: What?

Hotch: I said yer great, so dont b angry w/me, ok?

Reid: WHAT DID YOU TYPE AFTER THAT? SCROLL BACK & CHECK. I’LL WAIT.

…

Hotch: oh. guess I am drunk after all

Reid: THAT’S what you have to say about THAT?!? I want to trade you in for a new boyfriend. You are TERRIBLE at this.

Hotch: ya, I am. but u are rly good @ it + im rly lucky u r so handsom/smart/decent. crawl over here & Ill make it worth ur while

Hotch: b/c im 2 drunk to crawl. but I would if I could. to get u.

Reid: *eyeroll* I wanna think that’s romantic, but it’s sorta Tijuana Bible-romantic…

Hotch: c’mere, Mantis. I dont care who gets eaten 2nite ;)

Reid: Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.

Hotch: I lov u. rly. just bad @ saying it.

Hotch: sho me this text when I sober up & if I dont own up to it, u can shoot me. promise.

Reid: I’m gonna print out this whole conversation and wallpaper your office with it.

Hotch: see? I think u lov me a little 2…

Reid: We’re not talking about me.

Hotch: so cute when u get embarasd

Hotch: hot

Reid: Stop it. I’m getting up & coming over there.

Hotch: no I mean I feel hot. hot in here. should I take my shirt off? gonna take my shirt off…

Reid: Don’t. Stop volunteering to take your shirt off. You’ll never live that down, Aaron.

Hotch: cant hear you. shirt's over my ears.

Reid: We’re TEXTING.

Reid: Never mind. Now I have pictures to match your new office wallpaper.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is continued in [He's A Bad Boyfriend Too](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15290730)


End file.
